the worst toilet in ikea?

I had the strangest dream last night.

It was winter. We were all in our heavy coats and sweaters. I was with my father, brother, and sister meeting family friends for lunch. This part of the dream was not the most important part. At least, the lunch started in medias res. So I don't know who exactly we were meeting. I didn't get a good look at their faces.

As we were getting in the car, I realized that I should probably use the restroom. It was a long ride home and we were likely to get caught in traffic. Instead of going to use the facilities at the diner, I decided to go to the furniture and housewares store next door. Knowing how much they hate it whenever I say I need to pee, I vowed to try to make their wait for me as quick and as painless as possible.

There is no name for this store because it doesn't actually exist. The best way I can describe it now is that it was unbelievably huge. It looked like an upscale IKEA, perhaps like Habitat only much, much bigger. And as I went through it trying to locate the bathroom, it unfolded and unfolded in a bizarre fantasy and adventure video game sort of way.

As soon as I entered, I looked about and found a place in the back of the main room where all the women were standing outside a door. "Women" was labeled on the door. I waited, chattering my teeth. When I finally got in, when a cubicle was available for me, I realized it was a shower. I looked around and saw that the bathroom was even bigger than I originally thought, with more stalls and even rows of women in black bathing suits getting pedicures. I ditched the room without really wondering why this sort of thing existed in a furniture and housewares store. I went about looking for the toilet again.

I climbed through themed room after themed room. I even asked employees where I could find it. I followed each one's directions to a tee, but each time I found nothing. It was like a maze. I felt like every room opened up into another, putting the toilet further and further out of reach for me. It was like being stuck in Harrod's. People everywhere. But no room was as garishly decorated and there weren't multiple levels. My search for the toilet took place on mainly one level, but sometimes it was split.

Eventually, after what seemed like thirty minutes to me (was this a lucid dream?), I asked the last salesperson, and she could sense the desperation in my voice. That and I think I was probably sweating. She took me directly to this really high white shelving unit. About two feet above my head was a toaster labeled "Women." That's seriously all I saw. I pushed the button down, the same way you would push the bread slices into the toaster and wait for them to pop up. Then a tall cabinet the size of an airplane toilet appeared inside the shelving unit. I didn't want to go inside. I mean, I couldn't even get up in it, for it was raised at least two feet off the ground.

And that's where my dream ends. Sort of. No, I didn't piss my pants. And I never got in the box. I must have blinked here. I don't remember what I did to relieve myself. All I can remember is walking back to the car as soon as I could find my way out of the store. My family was pissed I took so long. I didn't tell them I didn't even go.

What does this mean? Am I afraid of peeing? Of not being able to pee? Or, rather, not peeing able to find a toilet? This is not news to me. I have always felt this way, which is why I have always "gone before leaving home" without even the insistence of my mother.

Does the peeing stand in for something else?

in a couple of hours

I will be on my way to California. It's nine o'clock and I have to be up by three to catch a plane at six in the morning. I hope I wake up in time. I know what you're thinking, but I'll just keep thinking: "I'll be in LA soon."

this one will make you smarter

Just watched Defending Your Life (1991), a wonderfully brilliant (romantic) comedy. It's a funny thing, I have always thought it is an incredibly original film. But watching it this time round, I couldn't help but think of how like "The Metamorphosis" it is. (I think today being Kafka day and all for me, I need to stop thinking about it.) Finding these similarities doesn't mean the film isn't original. It definitely is.

OK. So why are they alike? Well, you have the dream-as-a-reality premise again. Plus the climax happens before the opening credits even roll! In much the same way that the first sentence of the story is the start of a downhill journey for Gregor. What Daniel Miller wakes up into is not a dream, but some sort of reality beyond consciousness. He goes to Judgment City to defend his life, so that he can move on in the universe and not spend a 21st lifetime on Earth. Sounds dream-like to me, but it's not. Gregor waking up into a nightmare, finding himself transformed into a giant insect, that sounds like a dream, but it's not.

In any case, I have some thoughts about Defending Your Life that I would like to share. I have a few questions that I would someday pose to Albert Brooks and then attempt to answer them myself if given the chance:

1.) Why is everything in English? I would assume that everything would be in several languages considering the world's diversity. I suspect the answer is that Judgment City only serves the United States, as Bob Diamond says about fifteen minutes into the film. At the same time, the film acknowledges that in their past lives, the "little brains" come from all over the world. Cases in point: the sumo wrestler and Daniel's native "dinner." Thus the real question I should be asking is: why only the U.S.? Those reasons are obvious; watch the film, I say.

2.) How have they recorded everyone's lives? Was this technology always readily available to those in Judgment City but we earthlings had to wait until the late 19th century to discover recording live action? I mean, centuries ago, how would the defenders and prosecutors working on the "trials" gather and examine evidence?

3.) Where do Daniel and Julia go? I understand this is left wide open because even Brooks doesn't want to pretend to know more, as the afterlife is already beyond our comprehension. Don't get me wrong: in saying this, I do not mean to say that Brooks seriously thinks there's something like Judgment City on the other side!

What I really mean by this question is, I don't think wherever they are going they will be together. I think they may end up in the same area or region or whatever, so as to make their search for each other easier. See, if he had gone back to Earth, they most definitely would never see/find each other again. That's why he had to fight to get on her tram. (Just realized that if you've never seen this film before, it must sound pretty strange to you right about now.) In this way, I think this "happily ever after" ending is quite bittersweet. I cannot help but imagine how they will be separated again. The search for someone to love and for someone to love you is never really over, is it?

OK. Enough of this heavy business. Here are my favorite bits about the movie:

1.) In finding out that Lena had lost her case last week, Bob gives a sigh of relief: "There is a god." Funny to think even a big brain is skeptical.

2.) The fact that in Judgment City you can eat and eat and never feel sick or gain an ounce. It's introduced early on, to Daniel, and it gets him excited about being there. It's nice to see that it's not discussed as only first and foremost exciting for women.

3.) One of the TV stations at the hotel, the one that loops all the attractions of Judgment City. Reminds me of every vacation I have taken to any resort (especially Disney World). THAT is priceless comedy. As is "There is no hell. But I hear L.A. is pretty close."

4.) Shirley MacLaine's cameo. I think this is the only thing about the film most people know about if they've never seen it. How fantastic for her to make fun of her beliefs in reincarnation! At the same time, it shows us that MacLaine is a big brain because she knows of Judgment City's existence and even works for the city. (She should, she's been there several times before, right?) And don't we feel smarter for knowing this, too, after having watched the movie?