what the fuck do I want?

I should probably tell you more about this "frustration." Well, it comes from all directions, actually. I am frustrated because I have hit writer's block in this essay on La comunidad (2000). I am frustrated because the schedule I assembled for next semester is falling spectacularly to pieces. I am frustrated because I don't know what I really want.

The first problem has gotten better. I spent hours in the library today, outlining by hand my Spanish cultural studies paper. My approach is much more narrowly and clearly defined, and I will start writing it tomorrow. So I feel better about that.

I had arranged a schedule for the fall semester that complemented my honors thesis. Turns out I cannot or must wait until I get back to find out if I can take certain courses. I have to plan for backups. And the original plan was hard to come by! I cannot justify these new alternatives the same way I can explain why the others fit into my coursework and independent study plans. For once, I wasn't paranoid. I didn't "plan on a change of plans."

Spanish the language is posing another problem. I don't think I want to take it this summer after all. Do you know anyone who is more indecisive than me? I certainly don't. Why don't I want to take it now?

1.) It won't make much of a dent. I doubt my speaking skills will improve dramatically.

2.) I cannot justify spending almost $1000 for just 36 hours of classroom study spread over six weeks and twelve sessions of three hours each. If I were to take the class in the fall, I wouldn't have to shell out this extra cash because I don't pay by the credit hour in the formal semesters.

3.) I don't need to speak it for grad school. I only have to be able to read and write it. I can study to meet those ends for free with my books, on my own. This I consider a compromise. I will work on my reading and writing, I swear, but I'll forget about spending so much money on speaking it. Maybe I can get a speaking partner...

This problem is connected directly to my travel to Spain. It has been repeatedly suggested that I go to Spain while I am over here because flights are much cheaper than if they originate in the U.S. I understand this, but finding the right one that doesn't cost a lot of money, one that goes to Madrid (because I rather go there than Barcelona), or one that doesn't arrive in the wee hours of the morning at an airport miles upon miles outside the city has proven most difficult for me. It has exhausted me to the point where I don't care that my father wants me home as early as possible so I can go to Louis's specialized training graduation. It's not as if my presence at home is requested for nothing.

But I still want to go to Spain. Do I wait for another time when the trip will undoubtedly be more expensive because I will be flying from the U.S. instead of England? I keep telling myself that Spain isn't going anywhere. It is frustrating to think that I am missing something when I really am not. I don't even know what I am missing.

Having to come home earlier than I was expecting means that I can't go to Berlin in the summer either. I have tentative plans to go for a few days just before exams start. I think I should go, even if I have to go alone. I owe it to myself. It's not expensive. I can swing it. But I might honestly have to do everything alone. I'll be so sick of myself after so many days in a foreign city, a foreign country, thinking (and talking) to myself in English but hearing German everywhere else. Maybe I need to go just to see if I can make it, to see if I can stand me. I may have taken this step to live on my own in England, but can I up and leave here by myself? I can't wait to see, but at the same time I am scared.