how did they fit so many egos into 9 minutes?

I just saw one of the most pretentious things I have ever seen. Not only is The First Ones a basic short film, it's directed by Jake Paltrow, you know, the younger brother of that Gwyneth. Featuring seven actors, mostly those who are nominated for Oscars or at least in Oscar-nominated films this year. It's not really an interview because he only asks them one question, off camera, about which films influenced them to become actors. None of them really answer the question, if you ask me. They're just dribbling off stupid nostalgia. And we watch it because we're addicted to celebrity.

Cate Blanchett: She recalls her father's death as maybe the reason why she loved horror films so much as a child. There's no real connection made between this and why she became an actor. Did she tell us this because she wanted to surprise us? Elizabeth I watched horror movies as a kid. Get out of town! (It should also be noted that she refers to the villain in the Nightmare on Elm Street movies as "Eddie Krueger.")

Brad Pitt: Sob story about being poor and going to the drive-in with his family. Is he acting, too? How clearly can YOU remember shit when you were in kindergarten? I think it's another case of remembering something in hindsight not as it actually was.

Helen Mirren: Why is she so dressed up? Totally out of place with the others. She looks ridiculous. Her shadow on the wall is creepy, too.

Abbie Cornish: Why are you interviewing her? But of course, she has the most interesting story about experiencing Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988) blind.

Ken Watanabe: Coupled with the black and white photography, I felt his performance was straight out of an Andy Warhol interview, him pretending to be Warhol. Or maybe some foreign artist-intellectual. He is smoking after all. Isn't that what foreign artist-intellectuals do? That's just it, Watanabe speaking in Japanese not only breaks the rhythm of the film, but really is just a pretentious way of showing "the raw authenticity of the artist."

Penelope Cruz: On the other hand, her English has improved so much! Still, doesn't answer the question.

Leonardo DiCaprio: He comes the closest to answering the question, even if he thinks the movie that had such an impact on him, King Kong, came out in 1932 (it's 1933). He cried for three days, mourning Kong because he loved animals. This is just so sappy. What a performance.

Watch it. It will make you cringe to see how important they think they are, how humbling they think they're being. Maybe it's not their fault. After all, it's been filmed and edited in such a way that I'm sure they probably didn't participate.